im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
