And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
