I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
