Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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