i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
