I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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