either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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