I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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