Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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