Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
