dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
