I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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