you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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