Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
