remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize