it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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