Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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