I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
