I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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