the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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