She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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