He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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