his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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