Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
