Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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