He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
