I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Vodka?
Forever.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
