please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
