do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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