her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
