I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
