Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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