I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
