so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
