by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
