it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
