Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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