absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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