Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
