well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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