I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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