she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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