Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
