sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
