I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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