Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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