Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
