You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have aggressive nipples.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
