i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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