I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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