I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
