I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
