Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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