I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
