can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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