4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
