Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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