I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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