Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
