I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
